WHILE GETTING INTO THE BEST SHAPE OF YOUR LIFE”
Eli Harris
This is a contradiction you say. You may be reading this while sitting on your couch going through
hell/divorce, and you may think that this seems like an interesting and worthwhile title but that goal is
unrealistic for you. After all, all you want to do is eat and bemoan your awful luck.
You sit at home in front of your TV and wonder how you got here. How did your life deteriorate to the
point where you feel so embittered or embattled? How did the person you thought you would love and
live with forever morph into this satanic beast? Why did you marry the bastard or that witch anyway?
So you feel sorry for yourself. You sit around waiting for the process to begin and end, and this could
last, mathematically, ad infinitum times two.
Then you think, hey I am a nice person, can’t they see this? Why can’t “they” sit down like an adult and
just work things out rationally and reasonably? Why would “they” want the lawyers to benefit from your
pockets of fortune rather than your children? If you have no children, you ask yourself, what are we even
fighting over?... Money, principle, revenge. Wouldn’t it be better to work it all out like civilized human
beings, thereby benefiting both parties evenly for a much better lifestyle?
These and many more questions race through your mind while lounging on your couch (or incidentally is
it, the couch, even yours?). I am here to tell you this does not have to be the case. Here is your way to
improve your own self image which may have been trampled on. Here is a way to feel better about
yourself. You will look in the mirror and say “hey, he/she will never find someone like me”. It is irrelevant
who wanted the divorce. Being able to say this is a good feeling no matter what side of the coin you’re on,
though admittedly the sentiment is much better if you are the one being dumped upon.
Some people eat away their frustrations or depression. Others may get a prescription of some sort,
others turn to drinking, others to lethargy. How is your old spot Lovers Bluff doing when it starts looking
more like Suicide Crag?
I can hear half of you protesting saying “but I see a therapist already.” In general, it is not in itself a bad
move, to talk with someone objectively. However, the key there is to find someone good, qualified, and
capable. This is a subject of its own, but a therapist alone will not help a battered self image.
You were married and maybe didn’t quite keep yourself in the shape you would like. You were busy
juggling a marriage, making a living, and nourishing your children. Who had the time to keep in shape,
right? So we have a few extra pounds, running a mile might kill me, but hey I still look good, and
men/women like someone they can grab a hold of. It seems everyone likes to rationalize (rationalize =
rational lies).
Well here are the real questions we should ask: “Are our lives over because our marriages failed? Are we
all of a sudden failures because we are in this mess?”
And the answer is unequivocally NO. We are not failures and, no, our lives are not over, they are just
beginning, just from another place in time. Why can’t we make our lives even better? Better than what we
were doing just a couple of years before when we were unhappy in our marriage? Better than the bliss we
thought we were in, and found out, with a rude awakening, that it wasn’t what we thought.
How can a person in the midst of all this turmoil be so positive? With all the pressure of lawyers, bills,
settlement proposals, court dates, and your children’s needs (if you have them), how can you
concentrate on your own mental and physical well being?
These questions are why I decided to write this. I personally went through a “Hell” of a divorce almost 3
years of lengthy custody battle (which, incidentally, I won) that just about bankrupted me. Even my lawyer
suggested I file for bankruptcy. Thank G-d I had a house that covered most of the expense, otherwise I
would have had to take my lawyer up on his suggestion.
Instead of Chapter 7, 11, and 13, here is my chapter for sanity and health. It worked for me and it can
work for you. So go for it, it's worth a shot.
Don’t wallow -- do something:
What most of us do is wallow in self pity, thereby rendering most of us incapacitated. We are stuck on the
couch. We do our jobs in a haze and can’t concentrate properly, or we instead bury ourselves in work.
We try to hide our state of mind from our colleagues, bosses, customers, etc. We can’t help but think
about the next meeting with whoever is up next on the legal agenda.
Now some people will start dating right away figuring a relationship will be the salve on their wounds. Not
a wise maneuver. Everyone need time to recover, heal, mourn, or whatever you want to call it. So what
do you do with your time? Why not prepare for those new times in your life when you will be free to
search for that healthy fulfilling relationship.
OK, let’s assume you already came to the conclusion that your marriage is over. Voluntarily or imposed,
the decision has been made. Next you have taken care of the ABC’s.
A) You hired a competent lawyer (notice I didn’t say famous or most expensive). How to achieve this
miraculous feat is a chapter in itself. Suffice to say, if you haven’t figured it out yet, hiring that right lawyer
is the most important decision you will make during your divorce process. His advice and skill will shape
the way your life will be lived in the years to come.
B) Knowing where you will live. I say this because leaving is not always the best way. Again, good legal
advice is critical.
C) Figure out the finances. This is not so simple. You may not know who pays for what. Yet figuring out
a basic budget and learning the art of budgeting are keys to your survival. If you are somewhat wealthy,
this may not be an issue, although for some reason money somehow has a way of becoming the
vanguard issue for at least one of the parties.
Using your checks, especially if you never had to before (also for legal purposes), when to use a credit
card and how. For instance, something like, should you run up your balance etc. All these things and
more are prerequisites to getting your mind and body in order to start the next step, your new life.
So the process has started, and you are feeling a little overwhelmed and maybe just a “little” down. It is
time to focus on making “happy” areas in your life. If that is too corny, let’s go with stress release areas
or even problem free zones.
I can hear it, What the %&*$#@+! does that mean? Now let’s calm down. It is a relatively simple concept
-- do activities where worrying about your circumstances can’t take over your thoughts.
Yes, I know, you can’t stop thinking about how the SOB/ B… ruined your life. But really, has that helped
any? I know it never helped me. So I made a decision, to shut that switch off whenever it automatically
switched on. I made a decision not to think about things I can’t do anything about. There is enough time
to dwell and think about all the issues when you have to. Think about it any other time and it just eats
you alive.
I said, and you can too, let me get up off this couch and concentrate on myself. I am not advocating
being a hermit or G-d forbid shortchanging your kids. If you have children, let that become an area
where you focus on improving your relationship or maintaining it, if you can. If you can’t, for many
obvious and frustrating reasons that are out of your control, you most certainly would need to find a
release even more.
For you, it may be you were working later and later, or hitting the bar, whatever. For everyone, it will be a
different rut. This is what you are using for your escape. But is that healthy, and is your self esteem any
better? We know that no one ever died saying he should have spent more time in the office.
Does getting to the gym scare you? All those machines, people in shape, muscles you haven’t used in
years. Then at least initially, don’t go. Get an exercise tape that works at your speed. Finding one is
relatively easy -- just go to your local library and try a bunch out. Buy a dumbbell set, and you will be
surprised how inexpensive they are. Buy an exercise ball -- also inexpensive, and they usually come with
a video.
Now commit to this for a few months, every day. Half an hour, either at night, if you are a night person
(even very late), or in the morning, if that is your preference. If neither, night, morning, or even the
afternoon is your preference, because you are “soooo… tired,” then in spite of this, you need to suck it
up and pick one. I can safely say that, once exercising becomes a habit and you see results, you will get
into it and won’t have to force yourself, most of the time. You will find yourself looking forward to the
workout.
Start focusing your daily frustrations into improving your fitness -- don’t eat when you aren’t hungry and
don’t buy junk food (this, I know, is like Chinese torture). If you are overweight, eat less and workout
more. Focus on this objective every day and you won’t spend as much time focusing on all the other stuff
going on. Slowly your energy level will be even higher. Force your mind to focus on improving yourself
physically and your mental health will be dragged along for the ride.
I find a great area to focus on, since it is easy at home, is your stomach or Abs. I have found that while
watching the tube instead of eating you can stretch out on the floor and work those abs. Use a routine
you can find at any site online for free. Sites like www.menshealth.com or www.self.com . Better yet,
Google it, or splurge and get a video. I could go through routines here but it would take up to much
space. I’ll save it for another article.
OK, now that you are in the habit of getting on that floor and doing your abs every other night (did I forget
that little detail? Oops!), you are on the road to a stronger stomach. But alas the six pack eludes you.
What are you eating? Are you doing any cardiovascular exercise at least 3 times per week? It is now time
to incorporate these areas of your life, into the healthy lifestyle plan. Eat healthy. I am no expert, so find
a book, a nutritionist, something that will give you a clue.
My simple solution is to eat when you are hungry but not a lot, and then you can eat more often (it is
actually recommended to split your meals up into six a day). Eat the right foods at the right time, i.e.,
carbs before a workout, protein after, etc. Keep your eye on bad fat content. But most of all, eat less
than you have been eating but enough so that your energy level is still there. Everyone is different so
you need to find your balance. Your best bet is talk to a nutritionist about your lifestyle and what is
appropriate and realistic within that lifestyle.
Cardiovascular can be running, walking (although you will need to do this for longer), any running sport
(Basketball, soccer, etc., although baseball and golf do not count), if you walk, it counts, but in my opinion
a lot less per time spent. The key here is to do whatever you choose often enough to match your goal,
either losing weight or if that isn’t an issue, just keeping healthy.
If you lose the “bad” weight (fat) and gain “good” weight (muscle), your body will get leaner. Be careful,
because sooner than you thought (but not in just a month, six minutes a day nonsense) WOW look at that
-- you can see your abs.
Keep up the rest of your workout routines. All these together should eventually average an hour a day (5-
6 days a week). Some days you workout only with weights, others a combination of weights and Cardio,
and every other day 20 minutes total of abs (this if you want while watching the tube) just do it.
All this seems very hard or time consuming. What have you been doing to help your moral and self
esteem to date, working, watching TV, going out with your friends? All of these are valid activities, but
they won’t help you feel to much better about yourself. Find the time and you will see the change in your
attitude.
Next, when you feel up to it, join a gym and get out of the house. You will see others doing what you are
doing and it will inspire you. Motivating you to be where the other guy/gal is already. If you have money,
hire a personal trainer. If you don’t, then when you take your free lesson (you usually get one upon
joining) let the trainer map out a plan for you to follow, until you know what you are doing. But generally in
most health-clubs the personal trainers would be happy to assist your fitness question of choice. Now it is
up to you.
While you are changing your focus onto getting healthy, issues concerning your messy situation will come
up. Deal with them as they come when you need to, not every waking moment. That is where the above
comes in. Focus on that next crunch or that next mile until you are no longer a slave to those negative
feelings. When you are at work, focus on doing a great job rather than letting yourself be distracted with
useless, cumbersome worries (although the worries may be valid and real, they are useless at that time).
Make your free time worry-free by concentrating on getting a healthy body and spirit. If you need a
therapist, go to one. Not because you are nuts but because a neutral objective party can (and if they are
good will) shed some sanity on your situation, thus taking a little of the insanity out of it.
Be a friend to someone else in a similar situation. Then you can focus on someone else’s problems
besides your own. This can lend a valuable perspective to your own issues.
My last suggestion is something I advocate to anyone that I speak to that is entering the world of divorce.
Find a divorce consultant (interesting term but appropriate), someone like myself, that has had
experience going through this. That can set you on the right path. A divorce consultant can:
A) Help you find the right attorney if you haven’t already.
B) Basically walk you through and help you with the ABC’s above.
C) Help you save money (this could amount to tens of thousands of dollars). How? One of many ways is
by showing you how you can avoid unnecessary work done by your lawyers and doing it yourself. With
lawyers’ fees at an avg. of $300/hr this, adds up quickly.
D) Help explain to you the process and confusing things you are going through, instead of your lawyer,
who really doesn’t have the time for that (or he will and you pay for it). Or even just to give you the right
questions to ask your lawyer.
E) Provide you with someone who has been there and done that from a participant’s point of view.
Schedule a half hour initial consultation to find out if it is a useful service. This should be worth the
dozens of hours of aggravation and the huge amounts of time and money you can save. Let us say that I
wish I knew at the start what I know now. Why should you have to learn the same painful expensive
lessons?
Eli Harris is a founder of Divorce ABC’s a Divorce Consulting firm. Eli is a Divorce Consultant, and he has
a CPA and MBA in Finance. For more information and details go to divorceabcs.com.
Eli currently resides in Cedarhurst, LI, with his son. He has experienced the full gamut of divorce issues
and has valuable experience. He can be contacted by phone at 917-455-1419 or by email
eli@divorceabcs.com.com.